He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
