"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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