My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
