im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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