Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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