genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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