He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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