My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
