My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
