Swine flu. Run for my life!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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