I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
