I just threw up on my dentist
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
