I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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