New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
