I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
