my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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