Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
