I just gift wrapped bread.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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