I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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