So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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