Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
