I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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