that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
