Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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