i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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