Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
