how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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