My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
