Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
