I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
