I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
