I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you never un-have a 4some
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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