I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
