just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
