we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
