they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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