In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
