does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
