If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
