As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Vodka?
Forever.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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