I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
