We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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