he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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