I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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