I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
