So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
40s are totally the cure
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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