i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
