I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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