There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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