I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
