She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
