and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
